As some of you know, I've been struggling this past week, so I've been trying to be a little quiet while I think about what's going on. And here's something I've figured out. Like a lot of people, I'm more afraid of success than failure. We were at a family event on Saturday, and I wore a new dress, and I had some cute new sandals, and felt pretty good about things. Some pictures were taken, and when I looked at them, I got a surprise... I didn't hate the way I looked. Lots of times I think I look okay, and then have that moment where I see a picture and think "AAAAAAAAACK". But this time, I was pretty satisfied with what I saw.
And then I got stupid and lost control of myself. It started slowly, as these things do sometimes. I started feeling a little mopey and "snacky". Then I started feeling like I just didn't care. And I couldn't understand why. I've been having some issues with tendonitis in my feet, which has made getting in activity more challenging than usual, and has also made it very difficult to sleep, which I think is a major contributor to my frame of mind. Needless to say, I gave in to the little devil on my shoulder, sometimes even when I didn't really want to. Which is the way stupid part. I found myself sometimes eating simply because I decided to, not because I was in the midst of a massive craving, or was overly hungry. There were times I could have made a wise choice and still chose badly, just because. Almost like defiance. But against what?
There's a part of my brain that never lets me have anything good. Always with the criticism and the second guessing. That part of my brain (aka the Gremlin) has gotten steadily smaller over the years, as I have made conscious efforts to be more positive and grateful about life. But when the Gremlin wakes up, his voice is fierce and hard to drown out. And the Gremlin had clearly decided that it was NOT okay to feel good about myself, particularly in an outfit that was outside my normal comfort zone. And that's because the Gremlin in me is afraid of succeeding. Afraid of not having all this "fat armor" to hide behind. Afraid of being happier and healthier. Afraid of living a life that will be different in many ways from the way it's been for the past 44 years.
But the rest of me, the bigger part of my self wants to be happy. Wants to be healthy and wear nicer clothes and not always try to duck out of pictures. Wants to be able to play with my younger nieces and do stuff with the older nieces and nephews. Wants to be able to go for a walk, or get on an airplane, or do any of the dozens of little things that have been too hard for too long.
Screw the Gremlin!