Tuesday, May 31, 2011

San Francisco looms!

  My vacation to San Francisco starts in 15 days!!  I am very excited, albeit a little apprehensive about the plane rides.  May ask my doctor about an Rx for 2 Xanax, one for each flight, when I have my check up next week.  I probably won't do it, since I'm not a huge fan of medicines, and usually a strong believer in the "just suck it up" school of thought.  But it's two long flights, in two tiny airplane seats, and my big ol' butt (BOB) is gonna be really crammed in there!

   I'm a little frustrated with myself because not only will i not meet my 100 lbs lost goal, I've actually gone backward and gained a few pounds back over the last very very very UGLY two weeks.  But the ship has been righted - I think I actually ate so much crap over the last week or so that I can't stand the thought of eating things that aren't healthy.  So I got myself a little lunchtime treat of some brown rice sushi, and bought some gorgeous strawberries and blueberries.  Going to have some roasted turkey breast with grilled veggies for dinner, and maybe some low fat cottage cheese with all my new found berries for a snack.

   I was able to enjoy some fun activity yesterday with my nephews and husband - we were playing some baseball in their backyard and some frisbee later in the day.  It was so nice to be able to be active and participate, instead of just sitting on the sidelines watching, which is what I used to do.  I think that reminder was just what I needed to put the last piece of the  puzzle back in place.  My mind finally feels really right again - and now that I've started cleaning up my eating, I'm feeling much better physically as well.  Now it's off to finish up some laundry, and then hang out in the backyard for a while taking care of my birds and plants.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Stupidity and the Fear of Success

   As some of you know, I've been struggling this past week, so I've been trying to be a little quiet while I think about what's going on.  And here's something I've figured out.  Like a lot of people, I'm more afraid of success than failure.  We were at a family event on Saturday, and I wore a new dress, and I had some cute new sandals, and felt pretty good about things. Some pictures were taken, and when I looked at them, I got a surprise...  I didn't hate the way I looked.  Lots of times I think I look okay, and then have that moment where I see a picture and think "AAAAAAAAACK".  But this time, I was pretty satisfied with what I saw. 

   And then I got stupid and lost control of myself.  It started slowly, as these things do sometimes.  I started feeling a little mopey and "snacky".  Then I started feeling like I just didn't care.  And I couldn't understand why.  I've been having some issues with tendonitis in my feet, which has made getting in activity more challenging than usual, and has also made it very difficult to sleep, which I think is a major contributor to my frame of mind.  Needless to say, I gave in to the little devil on my shoulder, sometimes even when I didn't really want to.  Which is the way stupid part.  I found myself sometimes eating simply because I decided to, not because I was in the midst of a massive craving, or was overly hungry.  There were times I could have made a wise choice and still chose badly, just because.  Almost like defiance.  But against what?

  There's a part of my brain that never lets me have anything good.  Always with the criticism and the second guessing.   That part of my brain (aka the Gremlin) has gotten steadily smaller over the years, as I have made conscious efforts to be more positive and grateful about life.  But when the Gremlin wakes up, his voice is fierce and hard to drown out.  And the Gremlin had clearly decided that it was NOT okay to feel good about myself, particularly in an outfit that was outside my normal comfort zone.  And that's because the Gremlin in me is afraid of succeeding.  Afraid of not having all this "fat armor" to hide behind.  Afraid of being happier and healthier.  Afraid of living a life that will be different in many ways from the way it's been for the past 44 years. 

   But the rest of me, the bigger part of my self wants to be happy.  Wants to be healthy and wear nicer clothes and not always try to duck out of pictures.  Wants to be able to play with my younger nieces and do stuff with the older nieces and nephews.  Wants to be able to go for a walk, or get on an airplane, or do any of the dozens of little things that have been too hard for too long.

  Screw the Gremlin!

Friday, May 20, 2011

When the world doesn't end tomorrow...

  There are some people out there who believe that the Rapture is coming tomorrow.  All good souls get whisked off to heaven, some people just die with no afterlife, either good or bad, and the rest are consigned to spend the next 5 months in torment until the Apocalypse (which these same people believe will be  in October).  I'll be spending the morning attending my niece's graduation ceremony at a Christian college, so it'll be  interesting to see a bunch of people just disappear before my very eyes. A little entertainment value before the torment begins.  And no, I don't think I'm going to be one of the 3% (based on serious mathematical calculations) that gets saved.

   Now, I'm not one of the people who believes that tomorrow is the beginning of the end.  I think we're all going to have a nice Saturday, and then wake up on Sunday completely unscathed, laughing a little at ourselves for giving this idea any credence at all.  But the idea of it got me thinking about fresh starts and do-overs.

  For those who read my Facebook page, you'll know that I was upset this morning by the news of a -.6 on the scale.  Because even though my last two weeks haven't been perfect, they've been very close to being so, and I've worked hard.  And the last two weeks on the scale show me a total gain of .2, which is a virtual stay-the-same.  So I'm unhappy about it because I feel I worked harder than is reflected by this number, and had been hoping for a more significant loss to report.  When I started this blog, I wanted to lost 15 lbs to make it to 100 lbs total lost before my trip to San Francisco next month.  As of this writing, I am pretty much exactly where I was then, despite adding new activity, and following the plan basics.    So I realize the I need to go back through my trackers, honestly evaluate the effort I've been putting in, and come up with a new plan.  Because what I'm doing just isn't working, and something has to change so I can make more forward progress.

  Which is why I like the idea of the Rapture in theory.  Sunday represents a chance to start with a clean slate and try something new.  Now don't get all crazy, I'm not planning on just blowing off the days before then...for today and tomorrow I'll continue as I have while I take a breath and contemplate the new direction I need, make a plan and get ready to implement.  I already have some ideas, and can spend some quality time with myself tomorrow writing things down, planning an activity schedule, a pantry/fridge clean-out, some menus and a shopping list.  And when I wake up Sunday with the rest of the world, I'll be all set for my do-over!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Staying positive

  Last week I had a couple of days that weren't my best, eating-wise.  But I got back on track pretty early in the week, and amped up my activity, to try and make positive strides.  When I got on the scale, I was up almost a pound.  Which is fine, since I know there were some food choices early in the week that I could have definitely done better with.  And I was a little disappointed, truth be told, because I really felt like the increase in activity would have more than made up the difference.  But I took it for what it was, and moved on into this week.

  My eating choices have been good since my weigh in - right on track Points-wise, and working hard to meet the good health guidelines.  My activity this week is going to be a little lighter than last week's, since I'm paying for last week's increase with some foot and knee issues.  But by lighter, I mean, back to my normal level, as opposed to the extra high level from last week.  And I'm hopeful that this week the scale will reflect my hard work!

  And let's be honest, just between us - sometimes the scale gives a gift.  And I've been the recipient of that gift more than once over the course of my efforts.  So last week's little spank was all just part of the balancing out that happens.  But this week I want some negative numbers - and I'm doing the work to get them!   

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Support Systems

  I've been thinking lately about support on this journey.  Where to find it, how to ask for it, and what to do when it's hard to find.  Like a lot of folks, I have a hard time asking for help.  I also tried to stay "in the weight loss closet" for as long as possible, since I didn't want people's laser focus on me and what I was doing.  Because isn't that the way it is?  People who do nothing about their own weight or health issues suddenly become advice and criticism spouting experts when they can look at someone else.  And I'm not very comfortable in the spotlight, unless I choose to be there.   But I've gotten better at asking, and slowly but surely, support from outside sources has increased.
  I'm lucky to have a great husband, who is also a Weight Watcher, and who is very supportive.  He's also really willing to try new recipes and products to add into our rotation to help keep boredom at bay.  I know how important it is to have a supportive spouse, and having one who's also following the same eating plan is really helpful.  But even if he wasn't, he'd still be willing to alter his own food choices to help me with mine.  It's been a great help in allowing me to keep a "clean" food house.  It keeps temptations to a minimum.  Now if only I could forget where the Sonic is.... but that's another story!

  But I've really been thinking about support because there's been some changes lately at our meetings, and they don't feel as enjoyable as they once were.  But there's a wonderful group of people I've met there, and they've become very important to me in terms of support. Being willing to break out of my shell and talk to people was a hard step, and it's really paid off.   And the changes in the meeting are temporary, or at least that's what I'm told.  So I keep holding out hope that there will be more changes coming soon, and that they'll be positive.

  And I love the social media aspect of things.  Having this blog, being part of the WW message board community, using Facebook to connect with friends and other WW members - it's all been so amazing.  I love living in this time, with all this technology - as dopey as the "interwebs" can be sometimes, it really allows for connection at a level that's unprecedented.  It makes finding support so much easier! 

  So i try to keep in mind that even if support falls short in one place, there are lots of other places to find it.  I just have to be willing to speak up, reach out and go get it!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Back in the Swing

The past two weeks have been a little bit hectic, and now I can finally sit down, take a breath and write a little.  We had our family Easter celebration here at the house last Sunday because of some scheduling issues.  It was a beautiful day, and only got tense, uncomfortable and hostile right at the end.  That's something of a victory for my family.  Although to be honest, when it finally fell apart, it was in fairly spectacular fashion.  I had spent the week and a half leading up to the event in a frenzy of finishing up yard work, cleaning, and cooking/baking.  I did not spend too much time on myself or my plan focus.  However, although most of my activity was in the form of outdoor and indoor housework rather than weights and cardio, I did manage to keep my eating fairly on track.  Until the weekend.  I went on a 3-day bender of sorts - not as bad as it once would have been, but definitely not good. 

  After the weekend was over, I got myself back on track food-wise.  I couldn't believe how much better I felt once I stopped eating crap. And even though I was disappointed in myself for letting myself lose control, I decided to own up to it, hold myself accountable and move on.  I broke my number one rule and lost sight of my bigger goals for the sake of temporary indulgence.  And I firmly believe that the occasional indulgence is a good thing, I was eating stuff I wasn't even enjoying that much.  I've been trying to spend the last few days really looking at my behavior and trying to understand its root causes, and while I haven't come up with anything rock solid yet, I do feel that I've learned some good lessons.

   Then on Tuesday I started my new Tai Chi class.  It was challenging, and a little tough on the knees.  But I think in a good way, as it focused on the kinds of movements that I feel will help get me stronger.  I really look forward to the time when the movements come more naturally, and I can achieve the kind of flow that the instructor has (or at least a reasonable proximity, as she has been studying for a long time).  It was very soothing, but still a good workout!  A nice woman that I met at that class told me about a Line Dancing class the next day, so I went home and signed up for that one too!  I caught on to most of the moves pretty quickly, and that class was definitely a workout!  Of course, I've had "Achey Breaky Heart" stuck in my head since Wednesday, but it's a small price to pay for such a fun time!

  So I'm feeling good - routine is pretty much back to normal, and the basic frenetic activity has settled down.  I have a plan to make this week very productive in terms of activity and food choice, and feel positive about my attitude.  My focus this week will be on activity - getting at least 30 minutes in every day, in varying forms - and achieving 60 minutes at least 3 times this week.  That should be easily achievable, since I have 50 minute classes twice a week, and preface each with 10 minutes on the bike to warm up my knees. 

  Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble - next time I won't wait so long between posts, so that my focus can be a little sharper!