A Nice Fresh Start

   I made a decision a while ago that may seem controversial to some.  I decided to let my WW membership lapse so that I could start again.  Weird, right?  Let me explain - I've been struggling for a long time.  A little up, a little down, struggling to find and maintain motivation.  And the alarmingly overall trend in my weight has been slowly upward.  I was feeling exhausted, and spending a lot of time berating myself over lost ground.  It's an unhealthy mindset to be sure, but I couldn't shake it.  I started thinking about resetting myself - doing a mental do-over to reinvigorate my thought process and help find motivation.  Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.
 
   I'd been thinking about this, and trying to work through it for some time.  When Hurricane Sandy hit, we were fortunate.  Very minor damage, and we were in the lucky position of being able to help out and house family members who lost power and heat.  That kicked off a month of semi-controlled chaos, which included lots of ups and downs: the birth of a  new grand-niece, the loss of my beloved cat, the opportunity to spend time with far-flung family, and the loss of privacy and regular routine.  And the loss of regular routine was just what I needed.

   So after months of thought, I took the opportunity that this chaotic period provided to stop attending meetings and weigh-ins.  I let my membership lapse, and two weeks ago started my journey fresh.  New weight record, new goals, new tracking notebook, new gym membership.  I purchased the 10-week commitment plan, and had a very successful first week back on plan.  Second weigh in comes this weekend, and I'm once again looking forward to meetings.  It was a radical step, but I never had any intention of actually quitting.  Doing this allowed me to let go of all the baggage and berating self-talk, and I no longer feel like I'm failing.  It was definitely the right move for me.

   The next step in all the newness will be a redesign and relaunch of this blog, with updated statistics and some pictures.  It's funny how much lighter I feel psychologically and emotionally.  I'm excited once again, and feeling positive, and hopefully I will be able to use this blog to let those things come across!

Celebration Time

  So as I posted on Facebook earlier, I had a great week on the scale and lost 3 lbs.  What makes me happy about that, besides the simple fact of the weight loss, is that it brings me back to a total of 50 lbs lost.  For anyone who's been a reader before, this is a huge deal because I backslid for a while and gained back a lot of what I had once lost.  But I held on, stopped the slide, and started working my way back.  This benchmark is very important to me.
   Which means celebration time!  I already did one thing for myself, which is schedule a doctor's appointment.  I've been doing the very cliche thing and ducking the doc since my numbers weren't good.  Bad me!  So I went ahead and made the appointment, even though I'll still show a significant gain over the last time I was there, it's time to get back to doing the right things, and that includes getting new bloodwork and a checkup.
   But my real celebration will be more fun.  I'm going to go down to REI and get myself a really good and sturdy pair of hiking shoes. I usually go walking/hiking in my sneakers, and that just doesn't cut the mustard.   A 20% off coupon for the store just came in the mail, so it's like I get to celebrate and save money!
   It's my favorite time of year, and I've decided that since my stupid foots hurts whether I walk a lot or a little, I may as well feel the pain because I'm doing something I enjoy - I already have a few walks planned out in my head, so it's off to the store for me!

Vacation's Over!

   Well, I'm not sure how things went over vacation.  The scale is not happy - says I gained 5 lbs.  But I know that isn't entirely accurate.  We spent over 10 hours in the car yesterday, and I can see how swollen my ankles and feet still are this morning.  So I figure that out of that 5 lbs, some of it is fluid and some is food.    How much of each I guess we'll see next week.

  My food choices weren't all good ones, but overall I'm pretty happy with the decisions I made.  There were some planned indulgences to be sure.  And a few unplanned ones.  But I also made a lot of good choices, more than I usually would on vacation.

   I also followed through on my plan and tracked everything - that's how I know some of it is food.  I was over my points a few days and activity probably didn't cover enough of it.  But that's the bonus plus side - we had such gorgeous weather while we were there that I was very active.  Did lots of walking around, and some hiking through a few nature preserves.  Even walked over to the local farmer's market and found some really wonderful things there!

    I had a great time, and I'm feeling good, despite the number on the scale. My initial reaction this morning was to not go, because I had seen at home just how ugly things looked.  And I came very close to talking myself into not going.  Then I took my big-girl pill and went anyway, and that's already helped me set the positive tone for this week!

I'll be a Maine-iac this week!

  So this week Dave and I are heading up to Boothbay, ME for a visit with his brother and sister-in-law.  I wasn't sure we'd be able to go this year, so I'm really excited we found a way to work it out.  I love it up there and we always have a great time.   MANY thanks go to my nephew, Michael, who will be house-sitting and caring for our beloved Seymour.

   I'm a little concerned about the week and what it will bring.  I've had a really amazing run at WW these last few weeks (14.8 lbs in 3 weeks!), and it's probably time that the weight loss will be slowing down a bit to a more reasonable rate.  But throw in a vacation week and my anxiety level is a little higher.

   I'm bringing my tracking notebook with me, and intend to write down everything I eat.  One of the cool things about where we're going is that there aren't any chain restaurants in the area, it's all local-owned.  But that can make tracking a bit of  a challenge, since my guesstimating skills aren't that sharp.  I want to make as many good choices as possible, and with the abundance of fresh seafood I should be able to focus on that.  My plan is to make the best choices I can, indulge a little in some of the unique things up there that I really love (hello Moody's Diner 4-berry pie!), and write it all down.

   I also have a plan to get in some activity while I'm there.  My brother in law's house is close to their local Y, so we can guest there a few times to swim a bit, or do some cardio.  They also have a big soccer field and playground behind their house, so I can always walk a few laps. That's actually my preference - I'd much rather be outside than in a gym.  The biggest concern I have is the plantar fasciitis acting badly and limiting my mobility.  I really lurch around by the end of the day, even with only moderate day-to-day level activity, like grocery shopping.  But getting some activity in is going to be crucial in managing the week.  I'm bringing some pain pills with me and my anti-inflammatory rub.

   I haven't set a weight based goal for the week. I think it's more important for me to set these behavioral goals instead, and let the scale fall where it may!  Now excuse me while I go pack!

Knowledge is Power

  Dave and I have always had a tradition of using one day a week as an indulgence day, rather that scattering our weekly "extra" values during the week.  Of course, the problem with that is that we weren't tracking at all, and sometimes it became a whole weekend rather than one day.  There are many flaws in that approach, and we've realized that we have to make changes to that habit.  But that's another blog.

  Today, I did something I've never done before, which is to track everything I ate today, even going to websites to get the points values correct.  The news was scary, and a little eye-opening.  But also empowering.  Because now I know.  I can make adjustments, and do some things like get in extra activity this week to mitigate some of the excess. I'm not off plan, I'm not sliding to pieces after a great weight loss, I'm not cocky and thinking I can get away with anything.  Most importantly, I don't have that "well I blew it today so what the hell" kind of depression that comes with overindulging.  Because I got myself reoriented by tracking and taking control.

  It's an important step, because tracking has always been a weakness of mine, even under the best of circumstances.  And I notoriously don't track when I don't want to acknowledge what I've eaten.  So taking the step to write it all down and look up points is a huge one.  It's reinforced my knowledge that I MUST change my habits and choose more wisely, even when indulging.  And I go into tomorrow feeling in control, because I have done this positive thing.  In control and with a plan, and that's a good result!

5 pounds

   Hello everone... just a quick post tonight.  I believe I may have finally hit bottom in my self-pity wallowing. I am officially sick of myself.  There's a lot to say, and more posts will be coming soon.  But for now, let me just say that I've had it with myself.  I've taken some awfully big steps backward, and undone a lot of good, hard work.  But that's the past, and I can't change it.  And I'm tired of moping.  Time to take charge once again and do the work.

  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately - too much, really.  But one of the things I realized is that I need to go back to basics, back to the mindset I had when I started this journey.  Back then, I wasn't overly eager to  join and start working.  I had just come to a place where I knew things had to change.  I believe that the reason I had success was because I kept my focus small.  Never more than a 5-10-25 plan.  My short term goal was never more than 5 lbs away, medium range was 10, and long term was a 25 lb milestone.    And I realized then that it didn't matter how long it took, as long as I kept making strides in the right direction.  Those beliefs kept things feeling manageable.  It helped me stay focused, because each food decision felt impactful when my goal was 5 lbs.  When I started looking bigger picture, it got easier to start sliding on individual decisions.  I got into an "in the scope of 100 lbs to lose what difference does one (fill in the blank) make?" headspace.  And that way led to madness, and more and more sloppy decisions.  When I was just trying to make it to the next 5 lb marker, it was so much easier to see the direct correlations between what I ate and reaching my goal.

  So that's my goal.  I'm going to a meeting tomorrow morning (Saturday) to face the music. Whatever has happened is now the past, and I'm starting from whatever I weigh tomorrow.  I want to lose 5 lbs.  That's all.  Once I do that, I'll do it again.  As many times as I need to.

Back From the Dead, Metaphorically Speaking

I've been AWOL a long time.  It's very hard to explain what's been going on with me emotionally, so let's just say that it's been a two month long pity party.  I haven't quit WW or anything, I'm still attending meetings regularly, and half-assing the program enough to continue treading water.  But it's also been productive in a sense, because as a result of all this navel-gazing, I've had a few minor breakthroughs.

This is a quickie post to announce my return to the land of the living.  I've worked out a plan, that I'll be posting in a bit of detail.  That plan includes regular blog posting (including weigh-in and plan accountability). It also includes redefining my focus, and returning to the beginning.  I also read a really great article on Motivation that I'll be discussing in some detail, as it made a huge impact on me.

So for now, this is just me waving hello!  Details to come, either tomorrow or Monday, depending on schedule.  So watch out for some more regular updates from me!

Also, if anyone ever reads these posts, feel free to contact me on Facebook under the name WoobieLosingWeight.

See you all soon!