Learning vs. Dwelling - or How the Past is aTrap!

  So as I mentioned in my last post, I am in the middle of planning my epic 25th anniversary vacation for next May. As of now, all the hotels are booked, and all that's left is the flights and rental car, which I can't book yet - I guess it's too far in advance.  The first leg of the trip involves spending a few days visiting my niece in San Francisco.  The last time I was there was about 5 ears ago, when I went out there with my sister for my niece's grad school graduation.

   As I ALSO mentioned in my last post, I have gained back most of the weight I had lost.  And I think about how I felt the last time I was in San Francisco.  I was still very overweight, but was able to do much more than I had thought I would be able to do, and didn't have the problem of long recovery time after lots of activity.  It's very important to me that I get in the best shape possible before this trip next year, because I want to be able to be active and enjoy all the great places we are planning to see.

   I struggle sometimes when I think of how far I had come then, and how much of a failure I feel like for being back in this position AGAIN.  But I know that nothing positive comes from that kind of thinking - it just brings up negative feelings and lots of self-recrimination.   And it casts a very long and dark shadow that can last days or even weeks, and can trigger bad eating choices.

   Learning from the past is important - there is much good that I can focus on and try to replicate about my eating and activity choices from that time.  And this can help me be successful in the present.  But it isn't healthy to dwell on the differences in my weight and abilities between then and now - that way lies madness!  So I'm working on finding the balance between learning from and dwelling on the past.  Definitely a work in progress!

Back Again, With a Plan!

     Oh my goodness, it's been so long since I have worked on this blog!  When I look back at my old picture (which I will be updating soon), it makes me sad to see that I'm right back at the same weight pretty much.  According to my home scale, I'm at 350 lbs, which means that I've gained back most of the 25 lbs I worked so hard for over the winter.  I'll be honest, it makes me want to cry and just give up, but I won't do that.

     I have tons to say, but don't want this first post to be overwhelming.  Let me just say this - next year my husband I are will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.  We have been working on a pretty awesome vacation plan for next May to celebrate. Our anniversary is in August, but the trip will be earlier, to accommodate my husband's work schedule and because travel will be much cheaper in May than in August!

     But it means that 1 year from now I have to be able (and willing) to fly.  And the trip we're planning will be SO much better the more active I can be.  At the weight I am now, with the attendant physical limitations I'm experiencing, this trip would be incredibly difficult for me to enjoy.  I haven't set a specific weight goal yet, but my main thought is to simply focus, focus, focus and lose as much weight as possible before vacation time.

     There are some details to work out, but right now I'm keeping that focus VERY small.  No more than one week at a time so it doesn't feel like too much.  So my goals for this week are:

               1.  Start attending WW meetings again, by returning to my Thursday afternoon group.

               2.  Track my food and water intake this week.

               3.  Enter my measurements into the WW site - something I've never done before!

               4.  Start easing into activity by trying my new seated cardio DVD and restarting my
                    physical therapy exercises.

               5.  Restart my blog! - oh look - I already met one of my goals!

     There are lots of things I want to talk about and get off my chest regarding this journey of mine, and what's been going on these last 2 years.  I'm having my husband take my picture tonight so I can update my site, and I may look into some design tweaks.  But mostly I want to post weekly - I think it will be helpful to working out some of the psychological blocks I'm having.

     I hope you'll come with me and enjoy the trip!

In the Weeds

I have lost my way so badly I sometimes fear I'll never right my course.  But I know that I have to, and more importantly, I want to.  I need a plan, and then I need to set that plan into action.  I can do this, I know I can.  

Watch this space...

Meeting Shopping Once Again

   There's a new leader at the location I go to.  He's VERY new (only just past the maintenance stage himself), and very nice and enthusiastic.  His leader skills need a little work, but generally he's ok.  Here's the problem... he goes around to each member to ask them how they did at the scale - specifically how much weight they gained or lost.  And if you try to defer and just give a general statement, he really pushes the point.  And if you come in late, he will still make sure that he calls you out, even if he's in the middle of something else.  

   The two problems I have are this:  I don't always want to participate.  Even when I have a successful week at the scale, sometimes I just feel quiet.  I recognize that WW is best when people participate, gaining encouragement and a sense of community.  And sometimes I do like to participate, regardless of what the scale says.  But I feel like it should be my choice, and that if I try to politely decline giving a specific answer, then he should take the hint and move on.  There are lots of things I can contribute about how my week went, if everyone sharing their experience is his focus.  But that doesn't seem good enough - he really get relentless about the specific number on the scale.  

   The other issue is that it makes the meeting take WAY too long.  Sometimes he isn't done getting to everyone before it's time for the meeting to end, and then he still wants to talk about the week's topic.  It gets rushed, or sometimes brushed aside altogether.  And that's been in these last two months, when attendance is at its lowest.  I can't imagine how long it will take now that January is here, and the meetings get really busy.

   I plan on talking to him privately at weigh - in this week coming up, to see if we can come to some agreement about this issue.  One of the things I like about WW is that it is participatory, but I have always prized the notion that participation is voluntary.  I hate having to shop around for a different meeting, since I really like the group.  But the down side ends up being that I really don't want to stay for the meeting, especially if my weekly result isn't great.  And the meeting is important.  Hopefully there's a way to work this out!

Vacation's Over!

   Well, I'm not sure how things went over vacation.  The scale is not happy - says I gained 5 lbs.  But I know that isn't entirely accurate.  We spent over 10 hours in the car yesterday, and I can see how swollen my ankles and feet still are this morning.  So I figure that out of that 5 lbs, some of it is fluid and some is food.    How much of each I guess we'll see next week.

  My food choices weren't all good ones, but overall I'm pretty happy with the decisions I made.  There were some planned indulgences to be sure.  And a few unplanned ones.  But I also made a lot of good choices, more than I usually would on vacation.

   I also followed through on my plan and tracked everything - that's how I know some of it is food.  I was over my points a few days and activity probably didn't cover enough of it.  But that's the bonus plus side - we had such gorgeous weather while we were there that I was very active.  Did lots of walking around, and some hiking through a few nature preserves.  Even walked over to the local farmer's market and found some really wonderful things there!

    I had a great time, and I'm feeling good, despite the number on the scale. My initial reaction this morning was to not go, because I had seen at home just how ugly things looked.  And I came very close to talking myself into not going.  Then I took my big-girl pill and went anyway, and that's already helped me set the positive tone for this week!

I'll be a Maine-iac this week!

  So this week Dave and I are heading up to Boothbay, ME for a visit with his brother and sister-in-law.  I wasn't sure we'd be able to go this year, so I'm really excited we found a way to work it out.  I love it up there and we always have a great time.   MANY thanks go to my nephew, Michael, who will be house-sitting and caring for our beloved Seymour.

   I'm a little concerned about the week and what it will bring.  I've had a really amazing run at WW these last few weeks (14.8 lbs in 3 weeks!), and it's probably time that the weight loss will be slowing down a bit to a more reasonable rate.  But throw in a vacation week and my anxiety level is a little higher.

   I'm bringing my tracking notebook with me, and intend to write down everything I eat.  One of the cool things about where we're going is that there aren't any chain restaurants in the area, it's all local-owned.  But that can make tracking a bit of  a challenge, since my guesstimating skills aren't that sharp.  I want to make as many good choices as possible, and with the abundance of fresh seafood I should be able to focus on that.  My plan is to make the best choices I can, indulge a little in some of the unique things up there that I really love (hello Moody's Diner 4-berry pie!), and write it all down.

   I also have a plan to get in some activity while I'm there.  My brother in law's house is close to their local Y, so we can guest there a few times to swim a bit, or do some cardio.  They also have a big soccer field and playground behind their house, so I can always walk a few laps. That's actually my preference - I'd much rather be outside than in a gym.  The biggest concern I have is the plantar fasciitis acting badly and limiting my mobility.  I really lurch around by the end of the day, even with only moderate day-to-day level activity, like grocery shopping.  But getting some activity in is going to be crucial in managing the week.  I'm bringing some pain pills with me and my anti-inflammatory rub.

   I haven't set a weight based goal for the week. I think it's more important for me to set these behavioral goals instead, and let the scale fall where it may!  Now excuse me while I go pack!

5 pounds

   Hello everone... just a quick post tonight.  I believe I may have finally hit bottom in my self-pity wallowing. I am officially sick of myself.  There's a lot to say, and more posts will be coming soon.  But for now, let me just say that I've had it with myself.  I've taken some awfully big steps backward, and undone a lot of good, hard work.  But that's the past, and I can't change it.  And I'm tired of moping.  Time to take charge once again and do the work.

  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately - too much, really.  But one of the things I realized is that I need to go back to basics, back to the mindset I had when I started this journey.  Back then, I wasn't overly eager to  join and start working.  I had just come to a place where I knew things had to change.  I believe that the reason I had success was because I kept my focus small.  Never more than a 5-10-25 plan.  My short term goal was never more than 5 lbs away, medium range was 10, and long term was a 25 lb milestone.    And I realized then that it didn't matter how long it took, as long as I kept making strides in the right direction.  Those beliefs kept things feeling manageable.  It helped me stay focused, because each food decision felt impactful when my goal was 5 lbs.  When I started looking bigger picture, it got easier to start sliding on individual decisions.  I got into an "in the scope of 100 lbs to lose what difference does one (fill in the blank) make?" headspace.  And that way led to madness, and more and more sloppy decisions.  When I was just trying to make it to the next 5 lb marker, it was so much easier to see the direct correlations between what I ate and reaching my goal.

  So that's my goal.  I'm going to a meeting tomorrow morning (Saturday) to face the music. Whatever has happened is now the past, and I'm starting from whatever I weigh tomorrow.  I want to lose 5 lbs.  That's all.  Once I do that, I'll do it again.  As many times as I need to.

Back From the Dead, Metaphorically Speaking

I've been AWOL a long time.  It's very hard to explain what's been going on with me emotionally, so let's just say that it's been a two month long pity party.  I haven't quit WW or anything, I'm still attending meetings regularly, and half-assing the program enough to continue treading water.  But it's also been productive in a sense, because as a result of all this navel-gazing, I've had a few minor breakthroughs.

This is a quickie post to announce my return to the land of the living.  I've worked out a plan, that I'll be posting in a bit of detail.  That plan includes regular blog posting (including weigh-in and plan accountability). It also includes redefining my focus, and returning to the beginning.  I also read a really great article on Motivation that I'll be discussing in some detail, as it made a huge impact on me.

So for now, this is just me waving hello!  Details to come, either tomorrow or Monday, depending on schedule.  So watch out for some more regular updates from me!

Also, if anyone ever reads these posts, feel free to contact me on Facebook under the name WoobieLosingWeight.

See you all soon!

Giving Myself Credit

  I had a great WI today - down 6 lbs.  That's first.  Now in full disclosure mode, I have been having some fairly serious gastric problems of late.  I am scheduled to have a test done next week in hopes of nailing down a diagnosis.  But last Saturday evening, I had another serious bout of pain, and although I didn't need to go the the ER like last time, it was still pretty scary.  And for most of this week, I have been limited in my eating.  Some of that was simple fear - if I ate too much, I was afraid I'd start feeling pains again.  In the first day or two, I simply felt very tender, as a result of the stresses of Saturday night.  If I ate smaller amounts, I felt ok.

  So when I had this great weigh in result, I was tempted to write it off and say, well I was not feeling well, so it doesn't really count.  But the truth is, as I felt better, there was a pretty good war going on inside me most of the time.  I wanted to be cautious, because of the fear of another episode.  But I still really wanted to eat a lot at times, and not always good choices.  In fact, the devil on my shoulder kept rationalizing, and saying that since I was eating much smaller amounts than usual, and was frequently feeling actual hunger, that it would be ok to make some of my choices higher calorie/fat options.  Like having one of those delicious new frappes from Burger King instead of making myself a smoothie at home.

  I felt like it was an interesting week, with this battle raging on.  And the fact of the matter is that I continued to make smart choices, both in what I chose to eat and in my portion size. As a result, I've decided to give myself credit for the weight loss, because although some of it can be attributed to illness, the simple truth is that it would have been a lot less than 6 lbs if I'd given in to temptation.  So I gladly accepted the star the leader gave me, and shared my success at the meeting, with no hedging.

  It's so easy to diminish ourselves and our accomplishments.  To play them off, and act like they were accidental or just no big deal. So I followed last week's advice, and spoke to myself about it the way I would speak to a friend, and take the credit for the work.   And you know what?  I'm glad I did!

Vegas Approaches

   I was a little thrown off this weekend after my post Thanksgiving weigh-in didn't go as planned.  I was prepared for a gain at the scale because of the nature of the challenges I faced during the week, and the choices i made.  I just wasn't prepared for the gain to be as high as it was.  Now honestly, it was less than 1 pound above what I was prepared for, but it threw me nonetheless.  But back to a good attitude, and shaking off the disappointment.
   That all  being said - I leave for Vegas on Thursday!   I'm a little less anxious about flying, since I know I can get an extender, and I also don't have to worry if I encroach a little into my husband's seat.  I won't - I can actually fit in one seat, but we can put up the armrest between us so it's a bit more cozy.  It takes some of the stress out of it.
   We have a ton of activities planned - a couple of state parks, the Hoover Dam, Grand Canyon, Lake Mead.  One or two days exploring the casinos and the Strip, and on Sunday Dave runs the half marathon.  We got a room at an all-suites non-casino hotel, that affords us a full kitchen and laundry area in room, so that we can have better control over a good portion of our meals.  I'm hoping that the activity and walking/hiking we have planned will take care of the rest.
   So I'm spending today doing laundry, and when Dave gets home from work we're visiting with our niece before she moves back to Maine. Tomorrow we'll finalize the outline for our itinerary and make preparations to go!
   So I'll probably be quiet for a while, although I will be bringing my netbook with me.  I'll post pics on FB, and maybe a blog along the way!